New Year's Feedforward

Every New Year's has a resolution.....

2012 has concluded.
If like me, not all the drama has been tied up. You may wonder what will 2013 bring.

I have tried to make a concerted effort to reclaim the end of 2012.
There was a dip there at the start of the last quarter, which I felt was a full frontal meltdown but I really don't want to be tangled in an emotional mess forever.

So 2013 is a feedforward, where I take all the best of 2012 and its lessons and feed it forward to opportunities for me.


Haters-  I don't want o

What's next, I asked.... I got my answer

I try not to look back at the past too much.
 
So when I looked backed as I was wondering what direction my life should take after I achieved it all.
 
I thought, yay, I am fit and mentally healthy.
Sound, everything is going to be great now.  I can take anything in my stride.
 
Wow, look at me, I used to say in the mirror.
You are so normal and healthy plus you look good girl!
 
I was so busy bigging myself up I didn't see what was headed my way.

 

 

FULL FRONTAL MELTDOWN

 

 

Oh yes, it happened to me.

 

Never saw it coming.

 

Was a total surprise.

 

Full Frontal Meltdown is something other people do, or say happened to them to get sympathy because they are weak and pathetic and like being victims.

Generally these women are divorced, single parents or just have some disaster written all over their faces.

I don't hang out with people like that, they can't handle themselves.

When they get together to drink wine they turn it into group therapy.

My ex did this, I'm tired of doing it all by myself, he's not paying child support.

 

Blurg, that is not my idea of hanging out ladies, I am outta here.

I am not responding to your voicemail!

We will not hang out again.

 

 

And then it happened to me.

If you get enough knocks in a short space of time, oh hell. It can happen.

(Although, I am not divorced, doing it by myself nor do I have any children)

 

I don't even understand how I became this unempathetic person.

I used to have empathy for days, I used to be agony aunt person.

Lean on me and all that...

 

Maybe I stopped being that person cos everyone was taking advantage of my patience.

Ok definitely, that's the reason why.

 

Now, people I trusted and respected I really can't stand.

 

Before, I was wondering if I am strong enough to start my own business.

Now my aim is to not be resentful, when I was Heavenly Alarming the other day.

 

I Alarmingly hate some people now- blurg!

 

Funny how life changes, and the different people you become when you grow through things.

 

 

I've made it what's next?

There are times in your life that are trying. And I am really not here, right now to tell you how to make it through them.
I have stopped that habit of mine (for the moment at least) of giving people advice. I have realised how oppressive, 'my wisdom' can be.
Because, yes, I am silently judging you when you make those bad decisions after you have told me, repeatedly, how bad your life is.

Here are some examples of how I am judging:

Sleeping with you ex boyfriend who left you when you were pregnant?
Judging you.

Sleeping with your ex husband who refuses to pay child support
Judging you.

Always expect people to visit you and you won't reciprocate
Judging you.

Complaining about your weight, and saying' I want to be able to eat anything?'
I'm not just judging you, I am thinking, 'When could anybody eat whatever they wanted?'

Jumping headfirst into every single relationship?
The first few years I thought it was slim pickings in that town anyway, but Now, I am judging you.

Dancing on tables in red high heels on your friend's hen night.
I am so judging you.

So yes, I have to stop the giving advice and judging people with my oppressive wisdom. Everyone learns in their own time.
Honestly,  I am only half as critical with others as I am with myself.
I have been doing this automatically to myself, so it has been easy to continue that behaviour with everyone else.
Also this has kept me in good stead as I traversed adulthood.
It meant that generally, I kept myself away from broken people, or allowing more broken people into my circle. I had already inherited many broken people by birth.
Some people inherit money, businesses, a house or just family that care for them. Not so for many of us- some of us inherit mentally and social broken or ill families.

To get out, is the fight of your life.
The aim, if you realise young enough, is to get out and make yourself whole, so there is still time to have a healthy life.
It means leaving the bad, and the surprise of missing it, and then going back and being disappointed and moving on.
It means being outside, watching other people carry on with their normal lives.
It's emotional exile
then slowly reconstructing yourself.
It is a process which takes many years, an odyssey.

One seed of positive thought kept me going:
Imagine the life you want.
I wanted happiness, with a few made-to- measure trimmings.
I have it, made- to- measure trimmings and all.

Now, after I have won the fight for my life, I am wondering, what next?
I am trying to figure that out.